You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
