I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
