Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
