We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
