worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Randomize
