I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
