i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
