I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
