I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
