I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
