I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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