whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
