Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I love you. Go after that dick
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
