new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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