When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
