My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
