I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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