I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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