I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
