I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
