I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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