At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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