I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
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They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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