cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
