Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
