The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
