Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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