just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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