Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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