woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
