One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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