i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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