Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
3pm strippers are depressing
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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