I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
