I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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