Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
