Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
me + whiskey = a bad person
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
