Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
