1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
