Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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