Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
