My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
