my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
