3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
