I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
