sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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