My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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