So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
