I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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