If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
