I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
