I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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