I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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